Monday, August 29, 2011

best friends

I am a woman of many acquaintances and very few good friends. I am content to be on the periphery, an observer- close to none.

Through the years I've observed that it is difficult to be close to people for years and years. People come and people go. Such is the ebb and flow. Even more so, it seems that with age comes a certain hesitancy- an unwillingness to open up- to let loose in the context of a good, solid friendship. Don't get me wrong, plenty of people will open up in all sorts of inapproprate ways if you let them. Like this one time...

Befriending people as a couple comes with it's own set of challenges. There must be a certain dynamic for a group of four to get along. This is rare. How many couples can consider another couple their besties? There is a certain formality that comes with couple/ couple relations. Big groups of couples and singles make it much easier to connect because there is less pressure for a couple/ individual to conform.

Besides a smattering of close friends I've collected through my years of life, and a close group of girls I meet with on a weekly basis to share creative goals with, I am pretty friendless. Oh! That sounds so bad, but it so beautifuly true.

There is one friend in particular, my best friend if I had to assign a label, that has been one of the greatest friends, and person for that matter, that I have ever met. I have not spent more than a day with her in over 5 years, but when we are together there is not a moment of explaining to do. It just works. And that is a gift I value, and will cherish forever.

AND. OMFG. she arrives in PDX in less than 24 hours.

Thought of the Day: Let the good times roll.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

can you believe....

that today I sat in a class in Portland, OR with approximately 12 others at an institution that employs over 13,000 people with a person I went to high school with in Milwaukee, WI over 10 years ago? What are the odds...

And there is something to say about sitting next to a person that has known you for over 10 years of your life. He and I shared Spanish classes, friends and a past long forgotten - we know eachother well, yet are strangers all the same.

Thought of the Day: a shared history is a powerful bond

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

life goes on

Such is the nature of things. We can discuss and communicate all we want but life still goes on. Ineffective action is such a waste and I wish I had the awareness and guts to call it out more often.

Thought of the Day: We dance around the issues. It is hard to be candid yet gracious.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

the day that felt like summer

In my mind there are only about 10-15 days per year in Portland, Oregon that feel like summer. Today was one of them, and it was fun. Despite the fact that I'm overtired and working more than usual, the blond fox and I managed to bust up the routine that makes up our life and have a little fun.

We enjoy the simple things- like a $3 salad and a $5 soup & sandwhich at happy hour, followed by an evening walk, a gaze at the sun setting at dusk on the not-so-secret NoPo bluff and a game of tether ball to round out the evening.

I'll let the reader assign labels, and make some meaning of all these words. Meanwhile, I will settle in for an evening nap with a slight breeze floating over my face that breathes the last few breaths of summer before the long, neverending season of cloudy rain settles in for her annual visit.

Thought of the Evening: Slaap lekker.

Monday, August 22, 2011

A.M. Dweller

The blond fox says I can I have a night of from blogging. I tell him I already took two nights off last week. He says I can have another night off. He seems to be a tad more bossy these days.

The lovely thing about writing right before bed, is that I am less likely to censor my words. Unfortunately, this also means my grammar is sacraficed - especially as I type one-eyed by the light of my eyePhone.

My eyes are tired as I am an early morning dweller these days. The gentle wind of summer is my lullabye and each warm day is a sweet treat to savor.

Thought of the Day: Drom Zacht

Thursday, August 18, 2011

At a party. A house party. Lock eyes with another. Talk to eachother. For about an hour. You are married. Probly settled. You tell me you like my home. You ask me questions. 99 questions. About my schoolin' -just so you can tell me about your JD. You explain yourself away. Constrained. Your words choke me, like the vines of your regret. I'd rather talk to George now. He doesn't talk much. And when he does, his words are empty of all imposed meaning. But don't worry. Girl, I'm just as bad as you.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

a line from the day

It was said as if it meant something, as if it validated an opinion on the matter, as if it were a universal truth.

This is what was said: I'm 34 years old.

Thought of the Day: Time is an illusion

Monday, August 15, 2011

phone talk

I have never been bored. It's true.

When I was in the 6th grade I had a phone friend named Ashley. For a period of about two weeks she called me everyday after school. She would ask what I was doing. I always had a response. When it was her turn to talk she would tell me how bored she was. I never knew how to respond. How could someone be so bored?

I tried to picture her in her house. What did bored look like? Did she sit on the couch and stare at a wall? Couldn't she make up a game, or read a book, or draw, or go outside? I just didn't get it. After awhile she stopped calling. Most likely because I was too boring.

Thought of the Day: What a tiresome being is a man who is fond of talking -Benjamin Jowett

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Frustrating Thing About the Modern Short Story Is That They Are Just Too Damn Long

I purchased the Atlantic today as I was unable to find the New Yorker. However lucky for me, the title read "Fiction 2011."

The titles of most of the stories were one syllable - sweet, short and too the point. However, unfortunately for the reader, the stories were far from the efficient. Well-executed blips and blurbs is what I am accustomed to in the blog world. No. Unfortunately, people and homes and lives are described ad nauseum in these "stories", making my own repetive mind and life seem new and interesting. For I am, as is perhaps a new generation of readers- like a fish- every seven seconds I forget everything I know and and my brain refreshes and I repeat old useless thought patterns.

A joke I know. But such is the nature of things.

Tip of the Day: Forget everything you know to be true.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Send in the Clowns

Today was a "send in the clowns" kinda day.

"Send in the Clowns" is a song from the musical A Little Night Music. It is also a phrase used in theater, it means, "if the show isn't going well, send in the clowns."

I first heard the song via a CD my Grandpa made me of his clarinet music. The first track was of his brother, Bill, playing "Send in the Clowns" on the piano and singing along in his deep, melodic voice. I loved his version of the song so much, that I tried to get a dj friend in New York play it at the end of his set. He never did.

Last year I found out that Mark Kozlek also covered the song. Kozlek's cover is almost as good as Uncle Bill's version.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


It is late. A full day lived today and now I find myself in bed staring at the words I write as the glow of my iPhone illuminates my face.

Has it been a good day? I cannot say. Have I lived fully? Most definitely not. For as I watch those around me live and talk of life, I am sorely out of place.I stumble to please others. Where I fit, is unclear. But for now I choose prayer and gratitue and a little frivolity to get me through the days mundane.

Tip of the Day: In the little, silly things find joy.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Monday, August 8, 2011


a tiny rocket is a super inspiring blog documenting a girl's journey towards living her dream to be an artist. Her blog is fun and cute!

This blog entry on a tiny rocket reminded me that the place from which we begin is very different from the place where we end up. It is so easy to be held back by the fear and lies we tell ourselves. It is even easier to feel defeated when others chastise our enthusiasm or worse, put us down.

Our ability to live harmoniously with  our inner selves is key to achieving our dreams.  We must establish a balance between what we know to be true and the actual choices we make, e.g. if you know you shouldn't eat that doughnut, your choice should reflect that knowledge.

I totally stole this from Caroline Myss who is one of my favorite spiritual teachers and writers ever- so if you like that last plagiarized sentence you should check her out.

Tip of the Day: Start living your dreams. Don't be held back by your fears. Let your choices reflect your truth.

Friday, August 5, 2011

progress on the money-saving front

At the beginning of July. I began my new money-saving habit.  Check out the July post for more details:
I am happy to report that I met my savings goals for the month of July. I deposited half of my July pay into my savings account tonight and it felt amazing to pay myself! Whew. 
While I managed to achieve my savings goal and pay all of my living expenses, I did not succeed in managing my "spend plan" as originally outlined. My "spend plan" consisted of various buckets of money set aside for clothing, toiletries, gas, fun, educational opportunities, etc. My initial idea was to allot a set amount of money to these categories each month. This way I could carry over any money I didn't use and have a buffer. This did not happen. Most of the money allotted for each of these categories was spent on my hair, a wedding gift and a dentist bill.

As unexpected expenses will always show up, I will need to remain flexible with a portion of my money. My goal for September, is to have a carry forward for unexpected expenses since I will receive three pay checks that month.

Besides, my budget for the month of August is already accounted for. :) So much for micro-managing my money.......

I thought it would be most difficult for me was to cut back on my food spending, however due to illness this month, there was a week in July that I did not eat/ drink out. :/ Getting sick also relieved me of my daily coffee habit, at least for the time being.....
Also, just knowing I had a limit on how much I could spend on food, forced me to be more conscious, both out, and at the grocery store.
Tip of the Day: Pay yourself each month!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

a sensitive bore

ok. I have a confession to make. I am a very sensitive girl. No. Seriously. I am extremely sensitive. Despite the fact that I am, on certain occasions, able to muster a pair of cojones, I am severely sensitive.

For some reason, I have managed to hide this from most people I know- even those that know me very well.There are many more like me out there. The problem is, we are well-schooled in hiding our true selves- making it difficult for us to identify one another. Disguised as semi-extroverts, we are, at our core - extreme introverts.

And so the other day when an acquaintance decided to try and "talk above my head," I froze. Paralyzed, I lost myself for a moment in time. My mind went blank. I lost myself, and let others try and explain my work to me.

Whew. What a waste. And, as this all transpired in front of me, I was unable to answer for myself. Instead, I remained mute, when in fact, I had something to say.

And so, as I reflect on my moments of paralysis - often viewed by others as a lack of understanding (which is sometimes very true - I'm not that smart!!!), I am reminded of a few songs that express the nature of my sensitive nature.

One, is Jewel's song "I'm Sensitive" on her album, Pieces of You,  and the other is "Peach Pear Plum" on Joanna Newsom's album, The Milk-Eyed Mender.

I found Jewel's album, Pieces of You, during one of my usual raids of my older brother's CD collection around 1995/96. I remember listening to the CD over an over around the the 4th of July.

I discovered Joanna Newsom upon my move the New York City. My roommate (now a close friend) was prone to blasting her music where we lived.

Without talking, in parallel universes, a bedroom apart, during steamy, summer Spanish Harlem nights in an apartment with no AC circa 1996 we listened to her music floating in an out of the windows.

Thought of the Day: To all the sensitive souls out there - stay true. In the words of Jewel, "it doesn't take a talent to be mean"

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

the trench

endure. When all you do is keep trudging along despite the fact that no one, including yourself, can admit the folly of this grand plan of social living.

My mind surrenders, but my heart burns bright with a truth that may never come to fruition - that yes, there is a better way. The way right before our eyes- too blind to see, we forge a new one to walk in the footsteps of those before us who have no clue and lead with a knowingness that breeds false followers that lie to themselves for a few dollars a day to escape the challenge of thinking for themselves.

Monday, August 1, 2011

what exactly are you doing here?

Today I listened to Oprah's Commencement Address at Standford for the class of 2008.

Quote of the Day: "Greatness is available to all through unselfish action fueled by unselfish motivation"