My Faith

I cannot believe;
I know
I cannot say yes;
I will try not to say no
I can hope,
my love is stronger than my hate

Tired

Tired eyes, tired body
Tired out, repetitive mind

Surrendering

surrendering
the beach is lapped by the waves
doing the best
that it knows now

Night Ritual

The cold, December air from the window brushes my breath
The house falls silent
A whistling train in the background
A reminder that it's time to sleep

Some Refreshing Truth

Music knowledge and hip clothes, I cannot promise you
The best t.v. shows and new movies, I haven't seen them
Style blogs and fun things to do, I do not know
Parties, clubs, events and bars, I do not go to them

What I like, I do know
Who I like, I do know
How I experience life, I do know
My need to create, I do know

Day by Day

The day by day matters
Each day I either do or don't do
It's really pretty simple
But what's most important
Is simply being
Yes.
Simply.
Being.
No matter where you are

This is what I find to be true

Trying to remember

When I was 10 and in the 4th grade I had to write the rules 100 times over almost every night. Because sometimes I was wild and would dance on top of my desk.
My parents never knew.
Because mostly I was quiet.

Fresh start

A new beginning
To the end
Space and time
Love and luck

A long day

Tired, I read.
Tired, I eat.
Tired, I listen.
Tired, I smile.
Tired, I talk.
Tired, I bathe.
Awake, I sleep.

A letter to Monday

Monday, you have passed me by. When we meet again far along in the future will I look different or will I remain the same?

Goodbye Monday. I'll see you again next week.

non-creation vs. creation

Obsessed with creation - the idea of it.
So quick to define, title and sculpt.
But, what if you waited.
Don't create.
Just wait.
See what emerges.

Refreshed

Spending time with my creative soul sisters and family over the last few days has left me nourished in a way that only transpires from communing with cherished loved ones. As I look back at the photographs, we are smiling.... All the time. Such exuberance pinging back and forth among one another, creating and radiating a field of beauty, innocence, love and fun.

A rare experience I think it is to find such magic interwoven among those closely tied by blood.

Refreshed I am.

I have tasted the purity of the sisterhood community which I trust to guide me towards a more truthful way of living.

To be continued.....

Who nourishes your soul?

Learning

Something new
From deep within
Simply
I listen

Books for Bartica

Have you ever felt the call to take action on something important to you?  That is just what Sarah Zanoni is doing with her Books for Bartica project.

On a trip to Bartica, Guyana in 2010 she visited the local library to find that there was not much of a book selection. In her words:

"Can you imagine a beach without sand? A cherry cola without fizz? A pop song without "baby yeah" repeated frequently in the chorus?

What about a library without books?

This was my experience in the spring of 2010 when I visited Guyana, South America, and came across a lovely library in the village of Bartica. The staff was friendly, the kids adorable, and the library itself was large enough to house several hundred books.

However...
Aside from a few paperbacks placed sparsely on near-empty shelves, there were no books!!"

..........

"The gears in my brain starting chugging into motion. What if I collected books when I returned home to Wisconsin and somehow, in some way, transported them 3,000+ miles south to Bartica??"

And that is exactly what Sarah is doing!! In effort to bring more options to the library patrons of Bartica, she is collecting books over the next two weeks. To learn how you can help, or to donate books, visit and follow her blog.
It is inspiring and contagious when someone acts on what is important to them. What have you been inspired by lately?

Thought of the Day: Be inspired by others!

preparing to leave now

Paralyzed you were
Day by day
Living a little more honestly
Seeing again

public notes

sincere & sweet
a quieted center
three times told
a dear

random thought # 1

When you are doing what you love  you don't notice the commercial seasons. It is only ordinary living that makes one celebrate the holidays.

A New Month

A fresh start. Amid many false starts trailing behind me. Round up a new collection of habits and begin once again. One awkward thought lost to another, like the dream that doesn't exist clouding my mind. Again.

Thought of the Day: New start. False start. Today and again tomorrow.

New Accountability

One of my new favorite people that I am following on Twitter is Portland Mayor Sam Adams. He and his staff offer a real-time update of his day-to-day doings, thoughts and responses. I am fascinated by the fact that I can check in on Twitter everyday and find out what the Mayor is doing about
OWS Portland, recent Portland shooting, etc.

Thought of the Day: How helpful is all this transparecy. Is it that important that I know he tweeted the same respond to five different constituent questions?

New Book

I recently purchased a book of Henry David Thoreau's journals. So excited to dive in. I hope I can finish!

Thought of the Day: Read. And then read some more.

Memories

As a young child, whenever my parents had guests staying the night, my younger sister and I had to share a room. I had a trundle bed and so we most often slept in my room. On those nights our sibling rivalry gave way to shared stories, giggles and goofing off. One of our favorite things to do was to share school stories about other kids and teachers. Usually the kind that make your belly hurt from laughing so much and not because they were particularily good stories, but because they were so stupid.
When I think back on my childhood it is those stories I think of, as well as all our punishment stories.

Tip of the Day: When did it become more important to get ahead in life rather than just hang out and laughing?

The Beginning

Jane was a woman of few word. She mostly liked to sit back and observe, but if asked she would brassily give her opinion. Her handwriting was quick and tiny and polished, mirroring her stature and gait.

On s Spring day in 1905 she found herself in need of a new pair of gloves.

Tip of the Day: keep experimenting AND have fun. It doesn't always have to be so routine. It doesn't have to make sense.

the days that go by

In every community and city there comes a point when people and places begin to
interconnect - when you feel semi-established.

For me, that was today. I began to notice how friends of friends are friends of other friends, say that 10 times fast.

In fact, I am entering new territory in terms of place; I have lived in the same place for three years, which is something that hasn't happened since I was 16,almost 14 years ago.

As new connections form, older ones die off.

Tip of the Day: Make new connections in your place.

Inspired

 Fall is officially here. And for many people in Portland this means it is time to hunker down and get the creative juices flowing. The rain and gray seems to force everyone inside which means... It's Project Time.

On Sunday the ever-amazing blogger and artist, Erika of a Tiny Rocket, hosted a Portland blogger meet up. There I met Nicole Funke of House of Leaves and Corey of Click Click Corey. For the most part we just kinda chit-chatted and compared notes on favorite bloggers.

I learned of a few new Portland blogs that I am excited to share. If you are interested in Portland fashion and style check out Urban Weeds and the Clever Nettle.

However, my most favorite blog I learned about, not so much for her actual blog, but her blog intro/ manifesto (read it here) is The Glamourai. The Glamourai, a.k.a. Kelley Framel, states that she started her blog as a way to share her thoughts on style and embrace the things she really enjoys in life: dressing up, experimenting and decorating her apartment.

Thought of the Day: Celebrate the frivolous within. Sometimes that is what is most needed.

the unexpected

Oh, how the days go by. The same until there not.

Recently, my sister visited some relatives we have been estranged from for some time while passing through Arizona on a road trip out West. During the visit, an Aunt that we haven't been in contact with for 20 years gave her a box filled with the writings of a relative that passed away almost 25 years ago.

I waited in anticipation for over 72 hours for a chance to talk with my sister. This waiting got me through one of the most stressful weeks I have ever experienced at my current job. I waited for her to find a quiet hour when she could recount in detail the conversations of an evening spent with the past.

And, it would seem the writings reflect the stories my Mother has already recounted to us as young children- at least those read to me aloud over the phone by my sister.

But, what is perhaps most interesting to me is the fact that a piece of history that I had compartmentalized and so easily packed away, could come tumbling back out without my own psychological doing. Lucky for me and my sister, my Mother had the foresight to deal with death and dying in such a healthy and honest way that my sister and I process these new artificats of time with a healthy dose of curiosity, rather than some longing to figure out a mystery that simply doesn't exist.

Thought of the Day: Keep writing- it's in your blood.

Thought of the Day:

Oh goodness

This evening after bathing and preparing to shut down the house for the eve, the blond fox asked if I would mind taking out this evenings leftover fish from the oven and put it in the fridge. Unfortunately, I happily agreed. I reached in the oven retrieving what initially felt like a solid piece of fish wrapped in foil on a cookie sheet. However, once I removed the item fully from the oven, fish jizz proceeded to pour from the aluminum foil all over the wood floor in the kitchen and all over my freshly bathed toes. And as a single profanity boomed from my vocal chords, echoing through the house, I of course had to ask the blond fox why he cooked the fish in a swimming pool of some unidentifiable liquid. Salad dressing and olive oil it turned out to be.

And now despite a second toe washing and sanitizing of my kitchen floor, my kitchen smells of fish and there is a piece of fish wrapped in foil that I know with 99.9% certainty will be trashed, untouched and uneaten by the end of the week, but at least this little bedtime snafu provided me with some bedtime blog fodder.

Tip of the Day: If you are not responsible for cooking it, don't assume you know how to handle it.

Watch Your Flailing Limb

Words are not as they appear and faces quell the ghosts of time.

Tip of the Day: be ok with today, and begin, once again.

best friends

I am a woman of many acquaintances and very few good friends. I am content to be on the periphery, an observer- close to none.

Through the years I've observed that it is difficult to be close to people for years and years. People come and people go. Such is the ebb and flow. Even more so, it seems that with age comes a certain hesitancy- an unwillingness to open up- to let loose in the context of a good, solid friendship. Don't get me wrong, plenty of people will open up in all sorts of inapproprate ways if you let them. Like this one time...

Befriending people as a couple comes with it's own set of challenges. There must be a certain dynamic for a group of four to get along. This is rare. How many couples can consider another couple their besties? There is a certain formality that comes with couple/ couple relations. Big groups of couples and singles make it much easier to connect because there is less pressure for a couple/ individual to conform.

Besides a smattering of close friends I've collected through my years of life, and a close group of girls I meet with on a weekly basis to share creative goals with, I am pretty friendless. Oh! That sounds so bad, but it so beautifuly true.

There is one friend in particular, my best friend if I had to assign a label, that has been one of the greatest friends, and person for that matter, that I have ever met. I have not spent more than a day with her in over 5 years, but when we are together there is not a moment of explaining to do. It just works. And that is a gift I value, and will cherish forever.

AND. OMFG. she arrives in PDX in less than 24 hours.

Thought of the Day: Let the good times roll.

can you believe....

that today I sat in a class in Portland, OR with approximately 12 others at an institution that employs over 13,000 people with a person I went to high school with in Milwaukee, WI over 10 years ago? What are the odds...

And there is something to say about sitting next to a person that has known you for over 10 years of your life. He and I shared Spanish classes, friends and a past long forgotten - we know eachother well, yet are strangers all the same.

Thought of the Day: a shared history is a powerful bond

life goes on

Such is the nature of things. We can discuss and communicate all we want but life still goes on. Ineffective action is such a waste and I wish I had the awareness and guts to call it out more often.

Thought of the Day: We dance around the issues. It is hard to be candid yet gracious.

the day that felt like summer

In my mind there are only about 10-15 days per year in Portland, Oregon that feel like summer. Today was one of them, and it was fun. Despite the fact that I'm overtired and working more than usual, the blond fox and I managed to bust up the routine that makes up our life and have a little fun.

We enjoy the simple things- like a $3 salad and a $5 soup & sandwhich at happy hour, followed by an evening walk, a gaze at the sun setting at dusk on the not-so-secret NoPo bluff and a game of tether ball to round out the evening.

I'll let the reader assign labels, and make some meaning of all these words. Meanwhile, I will settle in for an evening nap with a slight breeze floating over my face that breathes the last few breaths of summer before the long, neverending season of cloudy rain settles in for her annual visit.

Thought of the Evening: Slaap lekker.

A.M. Dweller

The blond fox says I can I have a night of from blogging. I tell him I already took two nights off last week. He says I can have another night off. He seems to be a tad more bossy these days.

The lovely thing about writing right before bed, is that I am less likely to censor my words. Unfortunately, this also means my grammar is sacraficed - especially as I type one-eyed by the light of my eyePhone.

My eyes are tired as I am an early morning dweller these days. The gentle wind of summer is my lullabye and each warm day is a sweet treat to savor.

Thought of the Day: Drom Zacht

At a party. A house party. Lock eyes with another. Talk to eachother. For about an hour. You are married. Probly settled. You tell me you like my home. You ask me questions. 99 questions. About my schoolin' -just so you can tell me about your JD. You explain yourself away. Constrained. Your words choke me, like the vines of your regret. I'd rather talk to George now. He doesn't talk much. And when he does, his words are empty of all imposed meaning. But don't worry. Girl, I'm just as bad as you.

a line from the day

It was said as if it meant something, as if it validated an opinion on the matter, as if it were a universal truth.

This is what was said: I'm 34 years old.

Thought of the Day: Time is an illusion

phone talk

I have never been bored. It's true.

When I was in the 6th grade I had a phone friend named Ashley. For a period of about two weeks she called me everyday after school. She would ask what I was doing. I always had a response. When it was her turn to talk she would tell me how bored she was. I never knew how to respond. How could someone be so bored?

I tried to picture her in her house. What did bored look like? Did she sit on the couch and stare at a wall? Couldn't she make up a game, or read a book, or draw, or go outside? I just didn't get it. After awhile she stopped calling. Most likely because I was too boring.

Thought of the Day: What a tiresome being is a man who is fond of talking -Benjamin Jowett

The Frustrating Thing About the Modern Short Story Is That They Are Just Too Damn Long

I purchased the Atlantic today as I was unable to find the New Yorker. However lucky for me, the title read "Fiction 2011."

The titles of most of the stories were one syllable - sweet, short and too the point. However, unfortunately for the reader, the stories were far from the efficient. Well-executed blips and blurbs is what I am accustomed to in the blog world. No. Unfortunately, people and homes and lives are described ad nauseum in these "stories", making my own repetive mind and life seem new and interesting. For I am, as is perhaps a new generation of readers- like a fish- every seven seconds I forget everything I know and and my brain refreshes and I repeat old useless thought patterns.

A joke I know. But such is the nature of things.

Tip of the Day: Forget everything you know to be true.

Send in the Clowns

Today was a "send in the clowns" kinda day.

"Send in the Clowns" is a song from the musical A Little Night Music. It is also a phrase used in theater, it means, "if the show isn't going well, send in the clowns."

I first heard the song via a CD my Grandpa made me of his clarinet music. The first track was of his brother, Bill, playing "Send in the Clowns" on the piano and singing along in his deep, melodic voice. I loved his version of the song so much, that I tried to get a dj friend in New York play it at the end of his set. He never did.

Last year I found out that Mark Kozlek also covered the song. Kozlek's cover is almost as good as Uncle Bill's version.

Frivolous

It is late. A full day lived today and now I find myself in bed staring at the words I write as the glow of my iPhone illuminates my face.

Has it been a good day? I cannot say. Have I lived fully? Most definitely not. For as I watch those around me live and talk of life, I am sorely out of place.I stumble to please others. Where I fit, is unclear. But for now I choose prayer and gratitue and a little frivolity to get me through the days mundane.

Tip of the Day: In the little, silly things find joy.

A little reading I enjoyed

http://mdrobertsogn.com/2011/08/06/

thought of the Day: keep reading!

I*N*S*P*I*R*A*T*I*O*N M*O*N*D*A*Y

a tiny rocket is a super inspiring blog documenting a girl's journey towards living her dream to be an artist. Her blog is fun and cute!

This blog entry on a tiny rocket reminded me that the place from which we begin is very different from the place where we end up. It is so easy to be held back by the fear and lies we tell ourselves. It is even easier to feel defeated when others chastise our enthusiasm or worse, put us down.

Our ability to live harmoniously with  our inner selves is key to achieving our dreams.  We must establish a balance between what we know to be true and the actual choices we make, e.g. if you know you shouldn't eat that doughnut, your choice should reflect that knowledge.

I totally stole this from Caroline Myss who is one of my favorite spiritual teachers and writers ever- so if you like that last plagiarized sentence you should check her out.

Tip of the Day: Start living your dreams. Don't be held back by your fears. Let your choices reflect your truth.

progress on the money-saving front

At the beginning of July. I began my new money-saving habit.  Check out the July post for more details:

a young writer's journey: New Money

I am happy to report that I met my savings goals for the month of July. I deposited half of my July pay into my savings account tonight and it felt amazing to pay myself! Whew. 

While I managed to achieve my savings goal and pay all of my living expenses, I did not succeed in managing my "spend plan" as originally outlined. My "spend plan" consisted of various buckets of money set aside for clothing, toiletries, gas, fun, educational opportunities, etc. My initial idea was to allot a set amount of money to these categories each month. This way I could carry over any money I didn't use and have a buffer. This did not happen. Most of the money allotted for each of these categories was spent on my hair, a wedding gift and a dentist bill.

As unexpected expenses will always show up, I will need to remain flexible with a portion of my money. My goal for September, is to have a carry forward for unexpected expenses since I will receive three pay checks that month.

Besides, my budget for the month of August is already accounted for. :) So much for micro-managing my money.......

I thought it would be most difficult for me was to cut back on my food spending, however due to illness this month, there was a week in July that I did not eat/ drink out. :/ Getting sick also relieved me of my daily coffee habit, at least for the time being.....

Also, just knowing I had a limit on how much I could spend on food, forced me to be more conscious, both out, and at the grocery store.

Tip of the Day: Pay yourself each month!

a sensitive bore

ok. I have a confession to make. I am a very sensitive girl. No. Seriously. I am extremely sensitive. Despite the fact that I am, on certain occasions, able to muster a pair of cojones, I am severely sensitive.

For some reason, I have managed to hide this from most people I know- even those that know me very well.There are many more like me out there. The problem is, we are well-schooled in hiding our true selves- making it difficult for us to identify one another. Disguised as semi-extroverts, we are, at our core - extreme introverts.

And so the other day when an acquaintance decided to try and "talk above my head," I froze. Paralyzed, I lost myself for a moment in time. My mind went blank. I lost myself, and let others try and explain my work to me.

Whew. What a waste. And, as this all transpired in front of me, I was unable to answer for myself. Instead, I remained mute, when in fact, I had something to say.

And so, as I reflect on my moments of paralysis - often viewed by others as a lack of understanding (which is sometimes very true - I'm not that smart!!!), I am reminded of a few songs that express the nature of my sensitive nature.

One, is Jewel's song "I'm Sensitive" on her album, Pieces of You,  and the other is "Peach Pear Plum" on Joanna Newsom's album, The Milk-Eyed Mender.

I found Jewel's album, Pieces of You, during one of my usual raids of my older brother's CD collection around 1995/96. I remember listening to the CD over an over around the the 4th of July.

I discovered Joanna Newsom upon my move the New York City. My roommate (now a close friend) was prone to blasting her music where we lived.

Without talking, in parallel universes, a bedroom apart, during steamy, summer Spanish Harlem nights in an apartment with no AC circa 1996 we listened to her music floating in an out of the windows.

Thought of the Day: To all the sensitive souls out there - stay true. In the words of Jewel, "it doesn't take a talent to be mean"

the trench

endure. When all you do is keep trudging along despite the fact that no one, including yourself, can admit the folly of this grand plan of social living.

My mind surrenders, but my heart burns bright with a truth that may never come to fruition - that yes, there is a better way. The way right before our eyes- too blind to see, we forge a new one to walk in the footsteps of those before us who have no clue and lead with a knowingness that breeds false followers that lie to themselves for a few dollars a day to escape the challenge of thinking for themselves.

what exactly are you doing here?

Today I listened to Oprah's Commencement Address at Standford for the class of 2008.

Quote of the Day: "Greatness is available to all through unselfish action fueled by unselfish motivation"

Resting

For the last month I have been absolutely exhausted. Every morning I wake up at either 5:45 or 6:00 a.m. And even though I am always in bed before 11:00 p.m., I find myself falling asleep on both the bus ride to and from work.....

I need to come up with some strategies for getting more rest. Any suggestions?

Tip of the Day: Rest more often.

Reflections

It has almost been three years since I moved to Portland with the blond fox.  September will mark my three year anniversary at my current job

 

I was about to take a moment and reflect about what I have learned about myself over the last three years. However, as soon as I begun writing, I realized that above all else, I am truly grateful. And most grateful for the co-conspirator in my life.

 

The best thing in my life is the blond fox. I am seriously blessed. period. Matt is the most amazing, inspiring, talented and kind person I know. I will always do my best to love, support and care for him. I am a fiercely loyal fan of Matt Hilliard.

 

Thought of the Day: What are you grateful for today?

the pull

Some of us experience the pull. The "pull" I am referring to is that something unexplained calling to us. And if we take the time to listen patiently, one day, we just may hear the answer above the noise and rise to a call that is easy to ignore.

Why ignore it? Because it is a difficult one; one less travelled. Upon it we are sure to fall, to happen upon both friends and foes.

But the "pull" or the "call" can slip by as fast as it whispers for we are not easily untethered from the familiar, the safe, the common and the expected.

Yet despite this truth, there is an inbetween for those who feel the pull, but as of yet cannot act. It manifests in simple, pretty acts of kindness and reflection. Be still. Please. Now smile; deep within.

Tip of the Day: Smile from within

Book Review "Just Kids" by Patti Smith

Every once in awhile someone who projects the image of being a regular person, has an opportunity to enter into the narcissistic, pretentious and closed world of popular art, music and words. In the early seventies that person was Patti Smith. A self-described wallflower, Smith gives us a gift: a sneak peak into a world inaccessible to the outsider.

"Just Kids" is partly a portrait of wannabe artists (she and photographer Robert Mapplethorpe) living in the playground that is NYC, except this time the artists make it and even more rare, one of them lives to tell about it. Smith's life story is like candy to hopeful artists across the country, making it easy to buy what she's selling.

"There are no shortcuts," Smith reminds Robert Mapplethorpe early on in their acquaintance.  The artist's journey is a long one. Smith affirms this as she invites the reader to join along as she recollects her journey navigating the personalities of New York City's underground art and music scene while living in the Chelsea Hotel.

Ultimately, Smith accomplishes her goal to write a book memorializing her artistic accomplice, friend and once upon a time lover, Robert Mapplethorpe, who died of AIDS in the late eighties. The book is a tribute to friendship, true love and loyalty, but mostly, it serves as a nuanced account of popular culture in New York City during the late sixties and early seventies.

Thought of the Day:  If you are a lover of memoirs that document popular culture, you will like this book. I am giving her music another chance. You would too after reading her book.

Patti Smith

My first encounter with Patti Smith was sometime in the early nineties.  I was raiding my Mom's records and found the Wave album. I can remember the album cover having an effect on me. The cover was of this interesting looking woman with two doves. I dismissed Patti Smith for years after listening to a few tracks on that album.

Thought of the Day: My review of Patti Smith's "Just Kids" is to follow tomorrow.

the importance of being clear

Dishonesty breedS contempt towards the self and others.
Often times it wears a mask and plays the carnie's tricks.
Don't be fooled- it masquerades as righteousness- an undertow.

Tip of the Day: Speak your integrity

writing exercised

Well. I did it. Albeit not on Saturday afternoon, as there were house chores to be done and drinks and dinner with friends to be had. I thought about doing it on Sunday, but was too busy procrastinating by scrubbing my floors, cupboards and house clean. The cleanest it's ever been in fact, all thanks to the lovely Portland weather we've been having.

The more I cleaned, the more I pushed back my writing goal, until it was so far down on my to-do list that paying bills was deemed priority. 

Lucky for me, I gave myself an absolute deadline of sharing my writing goal on this blog. And as is so often the case with me, I would rather save face and meet my deadline no matter how crappy the end result. So here I am on Monday night having just finished re-writing word-for-word a book review by Dorothy Parker published in the New Yorker on February 4, 1928.

I don't know if I gained anything from this exercise other than a better appreciation for Parker's incredible wit and sense of humor and a wish that more writings published resembled her sense of style and truth. So much of what is written today seems censored, cookie cutter and saccharine sweet, or, boring, pretentious and stuffy. I also now know how to spell the word acquaintance without the help of Spell Check. She seemed to use that word a lot in this particular review.

Tip of the Day: Keep writing

P.S. Tomorrow I plan to try my hand out at my own book review. It will most likely be censored, cookie cutter and saccharine sweet.

tired cookies

It is exactly 10:49 p.m. and me and my baby are exhausted. In fact, I caught my baby dozing off at a friend's house this evening. The fact is we are no longer evening dwellers. We are day dwellers. And so to bed we head - the old young folks. Another Friday night in Portland that me and my baby never will see.

Nice

As a child I was taught to be nice. Reflecting on this as an adult, I think there is something mediocre/ inauthentic about "being nice."

As an adult, I would prefer to strive to be kind. In kindness there is strength. A kind person is generous and friendly and warm-hearted.

Quote of the Day(from an unknown source): "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

current obsession

I'm currently obsessed with Dorothy Parker. I am in the middle of two books of her short stories and a biograhy about her life.

I admire her wit and strong sense of self. Despite the fact that she was a drunk and lacked self-discipline, she produced some great work.

I would like to try copying a piece by her as a writing exercise. In fact, I think I will do that. I will do it this Saturday and let you know how it goes on Monday.

Thought of the Day: Why not?

New Money

On July 8th I started my two month long money saving experiment.
I am super nervous about it. The plan is to save exactly half of what I make.
While I have always lived below or within my means and have a very modest existing savings plan in place, I can be pretty frivolous in a "steak today, Ramen noodles tomorrow" kind of way.

This new plan is going to require some serious discipline. The kind of discipline that only comes in spurts which is why I picked the two month time frame.

I have divided my monthly earnig into three buckets: living expenses, spend plan and savings. My spend plan is the money I have allocated after my living expenses and savings are allocated for things like entertainment, personal items/clothing, etc.

My biggest challenge will be to spend less money on food. I will have to force myself to eat and drink at home more and to temper my expensive exotic health food habit. I will have to sacrafice impulse buys, second and third drinks at happy hour and $14.00 packages of Gogi
berries.

I promise to post my progress.

Thought of the Day: You just have to make it happen.

caught up in the net of the day

I was so tired this afternoon, that I found myself slumped over, past out on my bus ride home. I wish I could tell you more but I must go to bed. Tbc...

my writing process

I often don't know what I'm going to write about each day when I tap "new post" on Blogger. In fact most days I don't even "feel" like writing, but I do it anyway. Each night I lay in my bed, one eye buried in the pillow with the other eye ablaze with the light of my phone from which I write. I know. How lazy can a person be?

But what amazes, probably no one but myself, is that more often than not, I publish something each weekday. There is some drive from within that types the words out at night, in bed, when I should be sleeping. It is in the quietness of the night, the aloness of a house darkened and hushed. It is perhaps the only part of my day that I am free to be with my thoughts- inbetween slumber and my daily routine.

Tip of the Day: Keep writing!

Directions for the Directionless

1. Save your pennies
2. Show up everyday
3. Be kind
4. Pray
5. Listen more than you speak
6. Write
7. Be generous
8. Go to bed early
9. Take care of yourself
10. Start a blog

Tip of the Day: Ignore everything above and make your own damn list.

Repetitive Day

Wake up. Eat Some bites of Matt's leftover toast. Brush teeth. Wash face. Decide what to wear. Drink water. Take vitamins. Make a lunch. Grab my things. Get in the car. Get out of the car at nearest bus stop. Buy a coffee. Wait for the bus. Check my e-mail. Check facebook. Check Twitter. Get on bus. Sleep or read on bus. Get to work. Turn on computer. Make tea. Check e-mail. Respond to urgent requests. Move on to other items. Say hi to people. Everyone is always good. Feel Hungary. Start snacking. Listen to music. Listen to TED talks. Continue on with daily tasks. Eat lunch. Call friends and family or read or sleep or eat with co-workers. Work more. Drink more tea. Eat more snacks. Work. Leave work. Get on bus. Talk with friends or read or listen to music. Get off bus. Meet Matt. Think about food. Make food and/or buy food. Eat Food. Watch t.v. or have a drink or hang out with friends or putter around the house and/ Internet. Take bath. Brush teeth. Blog. Go to sleep. Repeat.

rest

Sometimes all you need is rest. And a trip to the countryside.

Tip of the Day: Go to bed earlier and spend more time outside.

Ladder

There is a Ladder. It can be found in every instution and every garage. Some find themselves upon it only once every few months to do a bit of maintenance. But there are others, the ambitious among us, that find themselves on it's rungs more often than the former.

Thought of the Day: I stay away from ladders.

unknown preparations

Sometimes the most useless experiences are what provide us with what we need to move forward in life.

Thought of the Day: Mostly today serves to prepare us for tomorrow, except when it can't.

Moments in the day

Trying out rhythms, you and I
One to live by
Allocating pennies, showing up
Wasting time
Loving one another
Not seeing or listening
The day has gone away

An Ode to Garlic

Oh, garlic, how I love thee.
You keep me satisfied; you keep me well;
Your smell keeps them all away.

Over the last 6 months I have developed a 4 bulb a week garlic habit.
Yes, that's right, a bulb habit. Garlic cloves are for sissies.
My initial garlic crush began about 5 years ago when one of my best girls served a dish of roasted garlic, warm Brie cheese and capers on stone wheat crackers at a dinner party.

I have re-created the dish over the years, but since becoming a fairweather vegan*(I know, I know the worst kind) and after learning about the pop-culture health benefits of eating garlic, have resorted to a simple no-nonsense version of the dish.

Basically, I cut a bulb in half, wrap it in foil and bake it in the oven for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. I then spread the warmed delight on a slice of bread, crackers or a pita. Since starting this habit about six months ago, I have not been ill once.

The purported benefits of garlic are as follows:

-Protects against certain cancers
-Protects the heart
-Increases blood flow and relaxes the blood vessels
-Has antibacterial and antiviral properties
-Allows only the ones that love you the most to get close enough to kiss you

Tip of the Day: Eat garlic daily!

*a word about fairweather veganism- I would love the be a die hard vegan because I believe eating mostly fruit, vegetables and whole grains is one the best things you can do for your health. However, given my Midwestern-slavic roots, genuine love for all culinary delights, and occasional "food swings," I find it necessary to sometimes break away from my usual daily vegan eating routine.

Have you ever felt like this?

As soon as I have something really important to do, there are immediately at least 20 other things I feel like I must do first. My mind is wired  to tell me this. Suddenly, washing the dishes sounds awesome! I get excited to clean the house! Or... I get manic and feel like I must do the laundry, check twitter, get a glass of water, etc.

Take tonight for instance. I had one priority: to get some paperwork together. I was only able to start my "gathering process" after I had a glass of water and checked my e-mail. Why? I have NO idea.

Then, I justified waiting until my bus ride tomorrow morning to write the e-mail that will accompany the paperwork. What the? Wheh? For what reason?  For NO reason at all, other than I decided it was more important to clean out my fridge, tidy the kitchen and bedroom and write this blog post first. Ha! 

SoOo RiDiCuLous.

For some great tips on how to fight procrastination, a.k.a. the resistance, check out Maria Forleo here

Thought of the Day: What do you really want/ need to be doing?
Tip of the Day: Do it!

Lemons

Sometimes I just want to punch someone. Today was one of those days. There was nothing particularily wrong with today, it was just... well.. Filled with a series of annoying mini events that culminated in an end of the day funky funk, i.e., the dreaded kat "dill pickle."

Most annoying, was a bus ride home that was jam packed, making each stop seem like a frickin' 30 minute television episode. The horizontally endowed man next to me, who with each breath expanded and plunged his body further into my personal space, so much so that there was skin to "forceful" skin contact, forcing me into the crevice between the seat and the window. This, coupled with a continuous blast of AC across my face despite the ever descending evening temperature, almost forced me to jump ship early and walk the rest of the way home. Luckily there is a brew pub at the end of my daily bus trek.

And here is where this story should end: me happily sipping on an adult beverage, with a sunset in the background and a nice relaxing evening to follow. But the thing about conventional living, is that there is always something more to do- tend the garden, pay a bill, deal with something or other that comes up, pack for a trip, figure out a gift for a friend, respond to a social request, etc., etc. And if you are not careful, this mundane routine can cause even the best - intentioned individual to stray from what is really important. What is that? You tell me.

Thought of the Day: Stay focused, especially during lemon attacks.

getting out of the comparison trap

I sometimes find myself comparing myself to others. Whether I'm at work, or working on my own creative endeavors, I can get stuck thinking I need to be more like others. I start thinking that I should work on my writing more before I start blogging, try to build my own website, or be more agressive about networking, posting pictures, etc., etc. The problem is, this is not me, and these are not my strengths, at least right now. And, I'm a lazy motha f'er

This may sound crazy, but I am still figuring out and defining my own likes and dislikes. While these will undoubtedly change over time, for most of my adolescent and adult life I have been more concerned about the lives of others, rather than my own life. The problem with this is that I end up helping no one and feel miserable.

As I begin the process of defining my own damn personality, and learning how to be authentic and true to myself while still growing and finding authentic points of intersection with others, I am curious to see how my journey will progress and who I will meet along the way.

For much of our lives, we compare ourselves and aspire to become people that we are not. We cannot be everything to everyone. 

Thought of the Day: Be yourself, and see where that leads.

Is it appropriate to share how much you make?

From what I have experienced in life, the answer to this question is...no!

Good friends and family are hesitant to share how much they make, which has often boggled me, especially when you are close to your friends and family.

Also, many bloggers that claim to earn and generate massive of amounts of $$$ via their online business/income stream are hesitant to share hard numbers. Sure they speak in generalities and rounded numbers...but that is not satisfying. I want to know the cold, hard numbers!

What are your thoughts? Is it appropriate for individuals and/ or businesses to share how much they make?

Thought of the Day: Transparency is an unattainable virtue.

people with power

There are people that have power, and there are people who are put in a position of power/ claw their way towards a position of power.

The difference is huge.

People with natural power, exude confidence, compassion and are most often visionary. They lead, they continue on, even when life hands them a shit sandwich. Side note!: I love this term. I heard it on a segment of Marie Forleo's YouTube Channel. The definition of a shit sandwich, as stated on urbandictionary.com is: an unfavorable situation or dilemma. 

People who are put in a position of power, or who grasp for it, are those that lack an internal sense of power and therefore feel the need to control those around them intentionally or unintentionally. This power is controlling, domineering, and fear-based. When faced with adversity, they respond with anger and hostility.

Lately, I have been noticing people that radiate a natural sense of power. When channeled properly, life, projects, & people flourish.

I think we all have the capacity within to develop and nurture our innate, natural power, or higher selves. But the path of least resistance is often to succumb to our lower selves and a fear-based power, that thrives on, and breeds hostility, fear and resentment.


Tip of the Day: Nurture love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and patience in your life.These form the platform for developing true power.

What I Know

I am constantly learning.
There is so much I dont know.

Thought of the Day: are you afraid to admit what you don't know?

Blazing Your Path

When I was in college my best friend and I organized a huge celebration for Cinco de Mayo as part of our involvement with Alverno College's Hispanic Women's Club. As we negotiated contracts, worked across departments within the college, designed fliers, organized a silent auction and advertised our event, I remember thinking that I was learning more about the real world through my involvement in extracurricular activities than I was sitting in my college courses.

As our event neared  it's launch date, we got word from administrative staff at the university that there was concern we had "gotten ahead of ourselves." There was a fear that our event would not generate enough interest, and that there would not be enough attendees to fill the auditorium.

I'll never forget Sister Joel Read's speech at a campus event a week prior to our event. The theme of her speech was that sometimes it's best to follow the road already traveled rather than blaze a new one.

I remember listening to her words in disbelief. Could this really be the progressive leader I had grown to admire; the one who innovated and implemented an entire new way of teaching and learning in higher education?

In the end, our event was touted as not only a success, but we were able to raise $5,000 for the Latina Resource Center.

Thought of the Day: Always create your own path; that's where things get interesting.

3 things

1. Do what you absolutely love, not what you think you would like to do; the rest will fall into place

2. Have courage

3. Be resiliant

truth-telling time

This post will be a short one, as I just spent a bunch of time re-arranging this blog, making it reflect where I am in my writing process. I am discontinuing "mindful monday" and "food friday" posts in order to make this blog something more honest; a reflection of where I am right now. I was having a hard time coming up with ideas for posts on Mondays and Fridays and some of my posts felt constrained.

A little over a month off of blogging and I am determined not to mold this blog into a cookie cutter version of all the other blogs out there -i.e., themed posting schedules and short, concise, neatly packaged success stories.

Instead I promise to deliver my writing in it's raw form. A poem one day, a journal entry another, a letter, a story, a quote, an anecdote.. who knows, really.

After my break, vacationing and attending the Writer's Workshop sponsored by Hay House Publishing, I have come to realize that writing is a process; a damn long one at that - one that never ends nor promises success. I also realized that I am deeply committed to this process, whatever that means.

Writing is perhaps the only consistent element in my life thus far. So rather than dress it up, fluff it up and try to make an immediate buck off of it, I think I will take the long, messy road ahead and give you the voice I am currently blessed with: an untalented, raw, unintelligent and frivolous one. Any beauty, grace and intelligence that comes from my words is a blessing, and accomplished through me, not by me.

 If I am to be resilient, and continue writing via a public platform, this is the only way I know how. And with that, I again affirm my promise and commitment to give of my truth through writing.

This is not to say that my earlier writings were inauthentic, they were not. However, I was writing under the pretext of trying to "get somewhere" with my writing. This is no longer the case. If I arrive anywhere, it will be a pleasant surprise, if I write for myself, and myself only, it is one of the greatest gifts I will give myself.

Tip of the Day: Continue to uncover your truths

Journeyer

I follow in silence- you wouldn't notice me.
I lead, yet take no followers.
A lonely journeyer, with no destination in mind.
I have no path, no purpose, only a wandering mind with nowhere to go.
For this, I write.

Tip of the Day: keep writing.

The Return

After a brief hiatus and a long, wonderful vacation, I am making a return. And while I could apologize or feel bad about my break, I don't. Instead, I feel renewed, with a rejuvenated voice.

Settling back into a Portland routine, after a long vacation has been comforting and annoying. Portland is so very beautiful when you are leaving, and only livable if you leave often, for extended periods of time.

While away, I raved about Portland, the beauty, the people, the DIY culture, the capacity one finds to create here. I told this to a good friend while walking around my old neighborhood in Spanish Harlem. As we walked along the cracked sidewalks, projects and the sad state of the manhattan greenery, she said, "yea, but at least here you can be an asshole. Sometimes I just need to be an asshole."

I guess I'm not an asshole. I don't think I ever was.

Thought of the Day: Some things don't change.

To My Courageous Aunt!

I got a text from my Aunt today letting me know she resigned from her job. She has been very unhappy about her job for years. She cited this blog as providing her with some of the inspiration she needed to follow through with her decision to resign.

Her inspiring act has filled me with a renewed energy to accomplish my own goals. Her courageous act also demonstrates that we ourselves are often the biggest barriers to accomplishing and achieving what we want.

My Aunt's decision to act on her truth has in turn been an inspiration, and an example, to her nieces, daughter, son and those everywhere that are sick of living a life that has long outlived it's natural course.

When someone does something inspiring, that inspiration sets off a chain reaction, causing more of us everywhere to aspire to achieve our greatest goals and dreams.

Tip of the Day: Do something inspiring!!!

Neck - Ed

The world needs more polished individuals that are bound by invisible borders, hierarchal decision-making, engaging smiles that hide the truth.

No. not really.

Thought of the day: Be yourself

mindful monday :: harm

Have my good intentions proved harmful once again?
Has my focus and dedication made me narrow-minded & thoughtless?
Can I see beyond the task at hand- am I blinded to an inner truth?

My carefully crafted words and silence are merely clouds of smoke in which I hide for I am not yet strong enough to talk aloud nor walk a truth that buries me alive.

I am too easily taken in by the tide. Among the jelly fish and sharks I feel safe. Another would have shrugged and grabbed the lifesaver, instead I allow the undertow to take hold.

Thought of the Day: who have you harmed with words left unsaid?

a life imposed

I am living right now with an intimate reluclant immediacy- a period of transition really- so bright, yet so dark.

I endure what is expected of me, with a heavy heart and a ruminating mind, only to dream of a future unknown.

Thought of the day: A work that matters I do not seek, but a self and soul realized would be quite simply perfect.

Grandpa jay

Mindful Monday :: mindful of just how much I am not mindful

I know this is silly, but so much of my effort to be mindful is due to fact that I AM NOT THAT MINDFUl!

And so, I either "do" or "don't do." When I "do," I eat salad, I get up and stretch, I work out, I make nice meals, I do the laundry, I call my family and friends.

And.. When I don't do.. I don't work out, I don't eat as healthy, I forget to take breaks, I don't call my friends and family,I don't keep up with chores, I walk past the trash, I never make it to the fridge (let alone cooking a meal) because I've devoured what's in the cupboards

And each day I either "do" or I "dont do"

Thought of the Day: today I practice non judgement.

blowing up expectations

Crap. It is Friday night, but technically Saturday morning and so once again, in what appears to be a very bad habit, I will not have made my "deadline" to post on this blog. Not only that, but I have no interest in writing about food (re: my Food Friday posts). Athough, I have developed a fondness for incorporating a full roasted garlic bulb into my evening dietary regime. As I have nothing more to add on the subject, I will leave it at that.

ahhh.. yes. Friday night and I am in my bed, in sweats with a tousled mane of blond ambition gone so terribly wrong, that I can't bring myself to care when I look in the mirror. I have already tried to remedy the situation at least once. I will spare you a picture on this blog, but my hair kinda resembles a cross between Mufasa and John Galliano. If I keep this up, I am sure to win a Halloween contest come Fall.
Have I set the scene sufficiently?...I'm kinda practicing. I hope this all sounds PG.

I finally finished Sloane Crosley's book,  I Was Told There'd Be Cake. I started the book two years ago and managed to pick it up a few times never making it past chapter 3- occasionally skimming ahead to see when/ if it got better.

Tonight I finished the entire book of presonal essays in one gluttonous sitting.  And, I think I found out what took me so long. Her essays are annoyingly LONG. Yet what made me eventually finish the book is that her writing style is on. I hungrily read her stories. She has been compared and touted as the next David Sedaris, and while I think the comparison is genuinely deserved, what she could have adequately captured in four or five pages, takes her ten or eleven.  

That said, I am anxious to read her next book, How Did You Get This Number, and see how she is developing as a writer. With pals such as poet Elizabeth Spiers, and a former career as a literary publicist in NYC, she has fans in high places and no doubt a successful career as a writer ahead. 

On a side note, I made a decision today about my day job. My eventual goal is to go part time and take some classes. It always takes me too long to see through my own cloud of delusion, imagining that somehow tomorrow will be better the present. It feels good to get past that. Another opportunity to be more truthful with myself.

rainbows & butterflies

A little less than three years ago I was telling a friend of mine my vision for living a life filled with rainbows and butterflies. In other words, a life filled with beauty, harmony, rhythm, peace, kindness and love.

Thought of the Day: Could such a life exist? Or are we destined to encounter a life filled with obstacles and great difficulties?

please love

'cause that is all that is.

Mindful Monday :: the gift

I was just about to drift off into dreamland tonight when I realized I did not post today.
Luckily I was meditating on a beautiful thought and a perfect thing to share.

Everything we do in this life, we must do with love. We have the opportunity to be loving with our actions, words and interactions. Yet, are we?

Tip of the Day: Be loving in everything!

Food Friday :: farmers market and gardens

The Portland Farmers market is here, along with growing season?
What should I plant this year?

trust

Last night I was working to complete my taxes. blech. By the time I finished and made irmt inti bed, I realized I had not yet blogged. I thought about jumpingout of bed for about three seconds, but then I rolled over, cuddled with the blond fox and fell fast asleep.

Thought of the Day: Sometimes life cramps your style.

Mindful Monday :: Mindful at Work

Another Monday, and a soaking wet one at that. I am face-to-face with some busy days at work. My job is cyclical in nature. Each year I plan three conferences, each month I organize two teleconferences and each week I put out a newsletter, manage various timeline and reporting duties, in addition to a host of other tasks and duties that "just pop up."

the repetitive nature of my job is both comforting anmd soul crushing. My intention each day is to be mindful of who I am being.

To be minful at work is a great challenge for some.

Thought of the Day: what is on your mind at work?

Food Friday :: Sun and Berries!!!

Ok, first off it is now 1 a.m. and officially Saturday. Hello weekend!

This Friday was filled with sun and after 29 days of rain, the warm rays of Spring felt like food for my soul. Yum..yum..yum

I read a blog post today by Derek Sivers about saying "hell no" to that in life which you are not saying "hell yes" to. The jist of the post is that whatever part of life that is not a he'll yea for you, should be re-evaluated.

One area I think is especially important to apply this concept to, is food! When I think about what I would love to be eating I think of fresh ripe cherries and berries for breakfast combined with al dente oatmeal cooked with almond milk and slightly sweetened. I also think of pickled vegetables and beautiful spreads and picnics that include all my favorite foods hummus, avocadoes, sweet peppers, mangoes, fresh etc.

Thought of the Day: what Foods to you say he'll yea to?

Acts of Kindness

In our busy lives it can be hard to remember to reach out to those we love and care for. Yet small gifts and acts of kindness are arguably some of the most beautiful contributions we make to one another.

Every once in awhile I feel the urge to do something for another such as send flowers to my sister, mail a handmade note to a friend or relative or treat my boyfriend to a special dinner/ adventure.

Sometimes we can reach out to another by paying attention, spending time or simply listening to them.

Thought of the Day: What acts of kindness have you done for another lately?

re-forming habits

My parents were in town last week. As a result I did a lot less gym time. Now, that my parents have left I'm finding it difficult to get back in the habit of going to the gym.
I do it grudgingly.

Tip of the Day: Don't give up your good habits. They are hard to recover.

a matter of taste vs. creation

I read a great quote today in Daphne Gray-Grant's recent newsletter about writing. I thought I would share it.

"In matters of taste, there is no dispute."

Our unique tastes are as individual and distinct as our DNA - no two people are quite alike. Yet in a digital era where we are bombarded with the tastes of others, it can be difficult to identify our own unique tastes.

I think one of the most valuable things we can each do is nurture and develop our tastes. This will guide us in spirit, work, purpose and creative pursuits.

As beginners our creations will never live up to our tastes.
No one tells us this when we begin pursuing our creative endeavors.

Ira Glass explains this in an interview about storytelling.




Tip of the Day: Even if your own work does not live up to your unique tastes, keep creating!

Mindful Monday :: letting go of attachments

I've been thinking about my attachments today. As much as I would like to think I am free of them, I am not convinced that I am.

Most people are attached to their:

1) Things
2) Habits
3) Thoughts
4) Identity/ Way of being

An awareness of your attachments in these four areas is the first step towards detachment.

The next part is hard; you actually need to start detaching.

Detaching from things is easy, is perhaps
the easiest, but not without it's difficulties.

The art of detaching from thoughts and habits requires continual effort.

And last, but not least, detaching from an outdated identity is not only frightening for the self, but frightening for loved ones and friends.

Thought of the Day: what are you most attached to?

Food Friday :: a toast to your health

We have so much control over what we put in our mouth in this country. Yet so many of us make poor choices. Why? I think their may be only one answer: self-justification.

We constantly justify our actions even when they may be harmful.

Thought of the Day: hat have you justified to yourself lately?

Making friends with death & dying

For now I know that I am not dying any faster than the moment that has just passed us by. Dramatic, don't you think?

Yet so true. We are all headed towards our death.

And my answer is, as I make peace with knowing that one day I will in fact die, is not to shout louder, but to go inwards.

Thought of the Day: Are you among the noise makers or are you quietly listening?

Hallelujah

Today is a day for rejoicing. A day of health and a day of peace. I am thankful for the good news that I do not have to worry anymore!

Tip of the Day: Be grateful!

Wasteful Worrying

Over the last few months I have been worrying about something- the kind of worry that just sits in your mind turning backflips and such.

I am waiting for an answer, an ok. In my mind once I get the "ok" I can move on with the rest of my life. This is built up big time in my mind.

However today, I realized (once again), that after this worry comes and goes, a new worry, while perhaps not as heavy, will hold my mind hostage once again.

Whether I get my "ok" or not for this particular worry, what I need to remind myself moving forward, is to practice non-worry no matter what comes my way in this journey that is my life.

For me non-worry is cultivating a peaceful state of mind. I do this through meditation, writing and intentional prayer.

Tip of the Day: Practice non-worry

mindful monday :: not what you are doing but who you are being

Intention for today:
to focus on who I am being rather than what I am doing.

This so hard to do. Each day I find myself caught in a web of doing. I wrote the intention above earlier today. And then, on my lunch break as I was reading The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila, I came across the line, "God does not have need for doing. God has more need for being."

May I carry this intention with me daily. Especially as I know I will forget it minute by minute as I find myself frustrated with inanimate objects, the mundane chores in my life and the trivial worries that occupy my mind and thoughts.

Thought of the Day: who are you being?

let go of disbelief and belief alike

Yesterday, I learned a thing or two about the parodox of belief and experienced a true miracle - a gift of love, for no other reason other than I was able to release my beliefs and disbeliefs.

I wish I could share this in a better way. But for now my simple words will have to do. What I can say, is that when you release what you absolutely believe in and don't believe in, there is a space, and in that space there is a key. A miracle unlocking key. And it is beautiful.

Pyschically, it is easy to hold onto a lot of beliefs and disbeliefs. I'm learning to release these and that has opened a space within to love and live like never before.

Thought of the day: What beliefs do you cling to?

taking the time :: a poem

taking the time 
to sit with you and see you
to touch you and kiss you
to love you
taking the time

Mindful Monday :: Surrendering

Today I surrender my body and mind to the universe and I fill myself with love and prayers for the people of Japan.

In light of all the tradgedy that occurred in Japan, Carolyn Myss recently wrote the following in a newsletter: 

"The fear, pain, and grief of the thousands of people is unimaginable. We learn from this tragedy once again that the life we awaken to each morning may well be completely different by the end of the day. We kid ourselves by telling ourselves that we are in charge of the length of our lifetime. We are not.

We must learn from this event in Japan that we can be with the Japanese community of people through prayer, through e-mail, through FB in an instant. We are truly learning an enormous cosmic truth: We are one."

So easy to forget, how quickly life can change....

Thought of the Day: A prayer for those who are suffering

just because you are vegan, doesn't mean you are healthy

I have been mostly vegan for a little over three months. For the most part, it has been pretty easy. However this doesn't always mean that eating vegan is healthful; it is very easy to snack on chips, vegan versions of pizza and mac and cheese, soy chai lattes, gluten-filled fake meats on messy sandwiches smeared with vegansise and earth balance and the list goes on.
What is harder to do is eat healthy fruits and veggies and whole grains.

I find that when I start my day ofF with some fruit, yougurt and cereal, it is much easier to continue eating healthful throughout the day. However, when I start my day off with a bagel and tofutti I just end up craving junk and sugar for the rest of the day.

Tip of the Day: Start your day off with a piece of fruit.

When Life Get's in Your Way

One of the lessons I got out of the process of writing a book was a lesson in: “How to achieve your goal, when life get’s in your way.”  For me, life is my 9-5 day job, my two hour bus commute each day, the time I spend reading blogs online, watching movies, paying bills, hanging out with friends, cooking meals, thinking about what to bring to a party…the list goes on. 

All of these things are distractions and take up a lot of my time. However I realized that by re-prioritizing some of these things, I do have  spare time that can be used creatively.

I have to consciously remind myself, many times a day, that I want to spend my spare time writing, reading and moving around/ exercising.  I hope eventually this becomes a habit, but for now it is an active process. 

 Thought of the Day: What are you doing in your spare time?

Inspiration

I'm so inspired by the girls in my art group! We are all taking on new challenges, inspiring one another and holding one another accountable. Suzy just celebrated her birthday and started a blog. KC wrote a novel in a month and is now starting the editing process and blogging everyday. Kris has committed herself to doing art everyday, finish her undergratuate degree and work out everday. Jen is rocking the art scene in Portland and Ericka runs a successful blog, quit her day job to pursue art full time and is creating her own artist residency in Hong Kong via Kickstarter.

These women are amazing! And I think our stories are important. We are holding one another accountable, supporting each other and celebrating our small victories. We are each DOING SOMETHING about our dreams and living life a little more honestly.

Thought of the Day: In the end, it doesn't matter what others are doing, what matters is what you are doing.

Doing stuff and Fat Tuesday

Over the weekend my ebook, Reach, was published.
I cannot tell you the thrill I received to see my work published on ebookling.

What is special about that book is that I wrote it for myself and not for any future hope of a reward. Nope, my only hope is that someone is inspired by it.

On another note tonight is fat Tuesday, I have determined to give up alcohol for lent. This will be heard as I am a social drinker, but I will endure.

Thought of the day: another day cone by; are you happy?

Mindful Monday and Doing Something

I am very excited to announce the launch of my ebook Reach: How I decided to write and publish and ebook in a little over 48 hours. I will be publishing it on this blog soon. I can't wait to share it!

No one tells you what to do

Have you ever sat around and realized that no
one is telling you what do, i.e. whether to exercise, to eat healthy.. That no one is holding you accountable besides yourself? You have to be that person.

Thought of the Day: So what are you waiting for?

Another Day

Another day of life gone by. This is it. There is no one who will tell you what to do. Don't wait for permission. Do what you need to do. Hold yourself accountable. See ya later, I'm going for a walk.

-Kat

Tip of the Day: Don't wait for permission from someone else.

From the Heart

"Work is not a curse or a misfortune, as some people think, but rather, if it comes from the heart it is love made visible."
- The owner of Nicholas Restaurant in Portland, OR (a fabulous Lebanese Restaurant)

This quote is beautiful and relevant. So many of us are out of touch with our heart. We have separated heart from mind and are therefore disconnected from our work.

Each day I try to put a litle bit more of my heart into my work and life. The problem is, I've been trained to rely on my mind which is a faulty machine when it is not aligned with my heart.

Sometimes it feels as if I've lost all connection with my heart, but then occasionally I'm reminded of all the love I have to give and my mind is silent. It is for these moments I live for. They serve as a reminder to try and reconnect as often as I can.

Tip of the Day: Let your heart guide you

Mindful Monday : reflections and thoughts

I really love to just sit in a cafe and read and write. Lucky for me there are a couple of great ones near my home in North Portland. 

So, the end of February is here and I'm reflecting on what I did and did not do. This month has been a period of many endings, as well as new beginnings. I closed bloop oatmeal cart, but I have undertaken a consistent blog writing habit. I have been great about putting more fruit and vegetables into my mouth each day, but terrible about exercising on a consistent basis.

Regardless of what I have or have not done, I am increasingly aware of what I am choosing to do/ not do and spend my time on/ not spend my time on.

While I have been mindful about my actions and choices this past month, I am just learning the art of being mindful with my thoughts. Wow...that was a mouthful!

This March I plan to spend the next month observing my thoughts. This should be interesting.

Thought of the Day: What are the thoughts rolling around your mind lately?

And now for your chance to support Portland art !

First of all I want to apologize for not posting last Friday..unfortunately I was pretty sick and did not get a chance to post. After lots of sleep, I feel much, much better.

I want to take the time to share something very special with you. My friend, and very talented artist and blogging buddy Erika Lee Sears is an oil painter from Portland, Oregon. She just launched a kickstarter project to create an artist residency in Hong Kong for two weeks.  At the end of this artistic journey, she will publish a coffee table and iPad book of her paintings, drawings, and photos.

For those of you who don't know, an artist residency is where an artist visits a location to isolate themselves away from their typical environment. It allows the artist to have the gift of time to create based on entirely new creative influences.

Check out her video below and give her some support! Every dollar makes a difference to make her dream come true! If you are unable to give $$$, spread the word via twitter, fb and your blog. This is your chance to support Portland art !

love

I love him with all of my heart, soul and mind. To love him is my only job. And my love is so great that my mind turns to mush and my heart becomes a hologram.

bloop oatmeal: last call for oatmeal :: two more days of bloop

bloop oatmeal: last call for oatmeal :: two more days of bloop: "bloop's lease is up at the end of this month. At this time we do not have plans to re-open as a food cart and we will be closing ..."

Whatever Works

I just finished watching the Woody Allen film, Whatever Works. I love that movie, everything about it is so......Woody- with a little Larry David mixed in.

When I was a kid I would gather all the neighborhood kids and put on plays and shows. I lived in my imagination and created all sorts of "schools" and "stores." I bossed all the younger kids around giving them jobs or roles to play.Reflecting on this, I really wonder why those kids still hung out, my director style bordered on a dictatorship.

I once wrote and directed a play in my garage, complete with a soundtrack I dubbed on my cassette player off of the 95.7 oldies radio station, I created elaborate scenery made out of cardboard, and even had a concession stand where I sold popcorn. I remember working on this for hours and getting upset with the neighbor kid who had trouble memorizing her lines, most likely because she was four-years-old and couldn't  read yet. On opening day, I seem to remember that I had the garage door closed in between scenes more than I had it open for the show. My audience consisted of two sets of parents parked on folding chairs in the driveway.

Afterward, I remember my mom coming up to me and saying: "Katie, when the garage door was shut in between scenes I heard you say, shut up over and over; you really need to watch your mouth honey."

While I put on other shows in the neighborhood from time to time, I never again attempted to produce a show of that caliber again. Maybe I outgrew all that nonsense, or maybe I grew tired of managing so many personalities.

Reflecting back on all the situations I've found myself in, what works best for me is to work with  small groups of people.

Tip of the Day: Do whatever works

Mindful Monday :: cleaning house

The sun managed to peek it's head out in Portland this weekend and with it brought a renewed burst of productivity.

Matt and I were inspired to clean and organize our bedroom, a project that has been long over due since moving to our new house in North Portland. After a good three hours of wiping, trashing, organizing, cleaning and hanging we sat back and enjoyed our new bedroom.  It is amazing how good a well-organized space can make one feel!!

After we cleaned the bedroom, we started going crazy installing useful hooks throughout the room. We now have a place for my coat, my jewelry, Matt's bathrobe and all my girlie under garments. Our "hooking" frenzy led us to the bathroom where Matt installed hooks for our toothbrushes and razors. Each time I open the medicine cabinet I smile. 

Tip of Day: Put everything in it's right place and see how you will smile !

Food Friday :: vegan food

For a vegan there are many times when it is unclear if a food is in fact free of animal products. The best solution to this is to eat at home and only eat whole foods. And while doable, this difficult for my lifestly as I like to enjoy dinners out with friends and family who are not vegan.

Here is my advice for determining if a food item is vegan: if it smells or looks like animal, don't eat it. Just kidding:)

ok, seriously, here goes: if you have doubts, and find yourself asking a million annoying questions, yet still can't determine if the dish is vegan, I say go for it, and my that I mean eat it!! Don't kill yourself (and those around you) wondering if the food is vegan or not. The bottom line is: can u live with it. If yes, then eat. If not, well- then keep on complaining.

Thought of the day: can you live with it?

Routine Mind

Every morning when the alarm goes off, there is a split second I feel nothing. And then the reality of getting up and starting my day hits me and immediately my mind comfortably sinks into a well-established routine that is deeply etched in my brain.

I spoon my boyfriend and we both mildly complain for two rounds of snooze. Then I get out of my bed and walk across the room to shut the window because I like to sleep in the cold. I think about socks at this point because the floorboards are freezing since the window has been open all night. I fish out some socks from my drawer and throw on some clothes.

I head for the bathroom where I put in my eyes, wash my face, and brush my teeth along with some other crap. At this point Matt joins me in the bathroom and we remind one another that we are sooo tired out loud.

I scurry across the house to the kitchen to grab my lunch from the fridge and heat up some hot water. Then
I grab my things, put on my shoes, pour my hot water, and Matt and I head out the door. This routine takes 20 minutes. And for every second of that 20 minutes, I repeat both aloud and in my head how cold and tired I am like a busted record. Matt usually joins in at the chorus.

Just for fun, tomorrow I am going to say how nice and warm it is in the house and how wide awake I am, over and over and over.

Tip of the Day: bust up your mind's routine.

gracias, adios

Halfway through my junior year of high school I left the suburbs to study abroad in Costa Rica for a year. After a student orientation with the euro kids that bordered on, Girls Gone Wild, I was sent to live with my "host" family in a small town where no one spoke English, or at least a version of English that would be gratifying to a native speaker.

Well, that is not entirely true, occasionally my classmates would try out their English language abilities on me. They would say something like "fuke" and then break into hysterical fits of laughter.

I digress. For months I lived in my head, not understanding the conversations going on around me and secretly mad at my Spanish teachers for failing me so miserably. I coped by nodding my head even when I didn't understand because it was too tiring to have someone repeat themselves until I understood. This was especially true with jokes. I once had a Costa Rican "uncle" insist on trying to re-tell me the same jokes over and over until he thought I understood them. This still sticks out as one of the most painful nights of my
life, as he and I quickly became the joke of the night.

Slowly I started to pick up the language by mimicking the phrases of those around me. For instance, after every meal I noticed that my Costa Rican "sister" would pick up her plate when she finished and dump her plate in the sink. As she got up, she would say: gracias, adios. At least that is what I heard. Every night, I would follow her lead, pick up my plate, say "gracias, adios" and head for the kitchen with a big, shit-eating grin on my face.

At about the four month mark during my year-long stay, I finally got a handle on the language, at least coversationally. It was at that same point that I realized "gracias, adios" was really, "Gracias a Dios" (Thanks be to God).

What we hear, and what is, are often two different things entirely.

Thought of the Day: Gracias a Dios

Get....Over....Yourself...

Perhaps the best piece of advice I ever got was from my mom. She simply stated: "get over youself" in her dry, emotionless voice. Somtimes her wisdom astounds me.

I don't remember the conversation behind her statement- which was more likely a self-absorbed monologue. I do remember immediately shutting up. Unfortunately for those who are close to me, I often forget this piece of advice. However, occasionally I am able to catch myself, caught in a web of whine, and remind myself how trivial everything in my life is in the grand scheme of this orb known as earth.

It is in these rare moments, that I see beyond the self and all is well.

Tip of the day: Get over yourself man.

Mindful Monday :: cultivating destiny

I recently experienced an ancesteral healing and soul retrieval with shaman Christina Pratt.

One of the things I took away from that experience is that I need to be mindful and cultivate the bigger vision that is my life. For me this simply means the following:

-writing and reading more

-developing my spiritual side and contemplative life
-traveling and adventures
-being silly and crafty
-spending time with my best friends and family
-eating healthy and exercising

This also means not focusing my attention and energy on what isn't working- this is very difficult. I often find myself cranky and unwilling to participate in the life I have created for myself as I seem to chase after things I think I want.

An example of this is playing the violin. I desparately want to play the violin, however when it comes down to actually sitting down and practicing the violin, I cannot get myself motivated for the life of me.

An example of something that I want to do and am able to follow through with, is writing on this blog.

In order to cultivate a sense of destiny that feels right to the self, it is important to be able to distinguish between: what I want that provides me with a sense of peace, achievement and is doable (this blog) vs. what I want that sounds like fun or a good thing to do/ something I should want to do (playing the violin).

Sir Ken Robinson distinguishes between these two different versions of want in his book The Element. Check out an interview with the author on The Kathleen Show.
 
Tip of the day: Don't focus on what isn't working in your life. Find ways to cultivate your destiny and focus on the right wants in your life.

Food Friday :: oh yea!

I thought I would share a few of my own eating habits with you all today. As a vegan, and as you know, one of my goals is to eat greens everyday. I do this along with trying to eat more colors everyday, some fruit... Just generally more healthy.

Ok so here goes....

So most days I start my day with either a peppermint tea or a soy chai latte while I write my thoughts down for the day. Then I proceed to make myself a bowl of granola with soy yogurt and either prunes, bananas, apple or all three.

At around noon I dive into either a kale or spinach salad proceeded by some hummus. Mid-afternoon I either indulge in some fruit, a bar of some sort, some chocolate or nuts. By the end of the day I am starving and ready for a good home-cooked meal or some good vegan junk food, which lucky for me, is easy to find in Portland!

I recently deterred from full veganism on my 4 year anniversary ( <3!!!my boyfriend is not a vegan ) and I actually missed my mostly vegan existance. Since becoming a full vegan I feel lighter, less bloated and in general, just better!

Tip of the day: Experiment with your eating habits; how do you feel ?

I'm back!!!!

I did not post yesterday. The blond fox surprised me with a surprise visit to the Ace Hotel for our 4 year anniversary and my phone died, so I didn't have a chance.


Romantic relationships are crazy and I am grateful every day that I have found someone that is on the same "speed." basically, we are two peas in an edamame pod!

Yet while finding your perfect match , does not mean that you do not have work to make your relationship the bestest. I have found that to build a heautiful life together it is important for each partner to keep the other's best interests at the fore front of your mind, so as not to take one another for granted.

I Love you Matthew Hilliard!

Tip of the day: go slow and love will come!

They say....

They say(who "they" is, I have long since forgotten) that knowledge is to "add" things to your life, and enlightenment is to "release" things from your life.

I find this to be very true.

However, I see an inbetween, which for most of us, is an existence where our minds are held hostage to the same repetitive thoughts playing over and over, like a CD on repeat. And we are comfortable, because this feedback loop is a survival mechanism which is only exacerbated with factory assembly lines, office jobs, credit cards, e-mail, Facebook and Twitter.

Thought of the day: When was the last time you added something meaningful to your life, or let go of something that isn't serving you anymore?

Mindful Mondays : Just Breathe

I know this is going to sound over-simplified, but one of my favorite tricks for ultimate relaxation and feeling blissed out is to just  breathe - consciously.

For an unforgettable amazing experience, try this three times:
- Close your mouth.
- Breathe in deep through your nose - feel your breath fill your lungs and then your tummy. This should take about 7 seconds.
-Hold for 7 seconds. Feel your breath moving through your body. FYI - this is a funny feeling; almost like being under water.
- Force the air out of your belly first and then your lungs. Try to count to 14 before you breathe in again.

Repeat at least three times.

Feel your body smile:)

Tip of the Day: Just Breathe

Food Friday :: the absorbtion of vitamins

Today I learned something very interesting from my dietitian friend, Heidi.
In order to absorb vitamins, they must be taken with food. In fact, it is best to take your vitamins with your largest meal of the day, as vitamins need fat to be absorbed by the body.
So if you, like me, are an early morning vitamin taker, STOP and start taking your vitamins with lots of food.

Tip of the day: vitamins need food! Take your vitamins with your largest meal of the day, to absorb them properly.

Breathing and Releasing Mind-Thoughts

Yesterday, I posted on the subject of letting go. And while this
semi-easy to grasp mentally, it is very hard to do.

What I notice with myself, is that at any given moment
in a day, if I take the time to check in with
myself, I am surrounded with very old, habitual thought
patterns and ways of doing things that seem to circle
round and round.

When I realize this, I take a breath and release every thought in my mind.
I usually experience a moment of peaceful bliss that lasts about
one minute- just enough time for another cycle of the same, old, habitual
thoughts to kick in. If I remember, I repeat the breath and mind-thought release
process.

This is my practice and I hope that day I am able
to break my mind-thought patterns to experience
what lies within, live a wholehearted life and be filled with guidance
that travels at light speed around me.

Tip of day: Breathe, release, relax. Repeat. Over and over and over.

Change, Direction, Co-creation and The Speed of Light

The world is moving faster. Change is everywhere, but so is guidance. What have you been directed to do? Can you hear it?

Occasionally, we our directed to make a change immediately through a form of inspiration, an event, or innate knowing.

As the world around us changes and technology evolves and the way we connect with others and receive information changes, I like to think of each of us as divining rods that have the power and wisdom within to channel these new forms of communications with ease and grace to  become wholehearted, creative beings.

Two of my favorite people that I look to for inspiration on this subject are: Caroline Myss and Everett Bogue.

Everett Bogue is taking on the blogging world by storm. A self-described cybernetic yogi, ev is supporting mindfulness in the future of human/technological evolution. But not only that, he is leading and creating movements and is following a path of inspiration that is way beyond what most of us currently have the capacity to do. It is not that we all don't have this capability, it is just that we have not yet tapped into it. Check out a recent post on how blogging evolves.

In her book, Entering the Castle, Caroline Myss discusses the changes that are happening at light speed all around us. Truth moves at the speed of light and most of us don't have the capability to handle so much truth coming our way.  We prefer truth only if we can manipualate and control it.

To paraphrase Myss: the co-creative choice and power we have is devoted  to holding our world and history in place, rather than having the faith and spontaneous energy to respond to the guidance that flows in our lives at all times to create anew.

Reflecting on this, I have to wonder how many of my actions or reactions each day are tied to past experiences. How much of my life am I living in present time?

What I do know, is that when I am meditating or in a prayerful state of mind, or simply taking a moment out of my day to breathe and relax- that I am wholehearted, in present time, open and able to access guidance, if, and when it comes.

Are you the co-creator of your life? What are you holding on to?

Tip of the Day: Let everything go!!

Getting Things Done

I have decided that February will be the month of getting things done and developing new habits.

I have agreed (with myself -hehe) to take on two major lifestyle changes this month:

1) Exercise daily for 30 minutes. For me this will involve one of three main activities: walking coupled with feats of strength, gym time, or yoga. FYI - feats of strength is a saying my friends came up with during a party to demonstrate their athletic abilities. Feats of strength can involve push ups, sit ups, pull ups, head stands and/ or crazy body contortions. 


2) No chips. As someone who pretty much eats only plants and plant-based food items, I find myself eating a lot of tortilla chips at parties and dinners where there is nothing for me to eat. In fact, I have occasionally made an entire meal of gnawing on chips much to my dismay. I am excited to share what I start eating instead, once I banish these salty, tasty delights from my mouth. 

Other plans of mine, inspired by the book, the Happiness Project, are listed below:
-Create a will with Matt
-Set up a guest bedroom/ office in the house 
-Get rid of half of my wardrobe

Thought of the day: What have you been procrastinating lately?

Mindful Mondays : Choices and Decisions

Our days are filled with tiny choices. We make hundreds of decisions all day long. Many of these decisions go unnoticed.

Eat this. Don't eat that. Eat colors. Exercise. Don't exercise. Check Facebook.


Many of my resolutions for 2011 are aimed at making changes in my choices and decisions. Through these micro actions I hope to lower my cholesterol, to foster a lifelong exercise habit and develop a widely read and amazing blog,


Tip of the Day: What choices are filling your life?

Food Friday

Here is a sneak peek at what I've been eating over the last week:
-broccoli
-kale coalition salad
-spicy kale
-mango
-WholeSoy yogurt
-granola
-banana
-apples
-black bean and potato burritos
-vegan chocolate chip cookies and vegan cake for my
birthday!

Over the last week I have made a conscious effort to
eat the following foods each day for my health:

-two fruits - usually a banana and an apple
-something green - a serving of kale or spinach
-something yellow - usually carrots or peppers
-something red/ purple - usually beets or red peppers

I have also found myself eating a carton of soy yogurt
and coconut water due to it's high potassium
and magnesium content.

Why do I share this with you? To inspire you to eat
consciously!

Tip of the day: Eat more colors !

The Voice Within: Part II

The mind cannot go deep within the heart, nor can it access the voice within.

For many years I have let my mind go and let it dictate my spirit.This is what I know how to do. This is how I survive.

Today I attempted to practice changing my thought patterns. Each time I found myself thinking an unhealthy thought, I made myself breathe and say a healthy thought.

What is, is. Mind gives everything meaning.

Thought of the Day: What has your mind given meaning to in your life without your permission?

Gratitude and the Voice Within

Today on the 26th day of January, 2011 I am 29 years of age, and beyond all else I am grateful.

I am extremely grateful to be blessed with an amazing boyfriend, who makes every day of my life just a little bit more beautiful. I am also grateful to have such amazing friends and family.

Ok, so on to strategies for listening to the heart deep within:

I recently stumbled upon this poem by Richard Brautigan through an acquaintance that I think beautifuly sums up how to listen to the voice within.......

Karma Repair Kit: Items 1-4

1.	Get enough food to eat, and eat it.
2.	Find a place to sleep where it is quiet, and sleep there.
3.	Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself, and listen to it.
4.

I think one of the most important skills to be able to release the voice within is to relax the mind. This is a very difficult task and I know it sounds silly, but the ability to relax the body and then the mind is such a skill and foreign ability for most of us, that once we learn how to do it... we open ourselves to so much....

Tip of the day: Relax your mind and see what your heart reveals